I write this for none of my friends to see...it is with a heavy heart that I find myself in the place where I am at. I work in a mental health facility, but I am quite possibly an excellent candidate for residency as well as anyone. There are two things I wish for, more than anything in the world--a sense of closure with my lover, one whom makes me feel not unto the most loved and equally loathed creature ever to breathe in our current existence. Seeing her makes m whole but her wholesale rejection of any salient points raised about the ineffective closure to our "relationship" drives me to madness. I have been told by many that I am loved--but only one has truly stood tall when the moment of truth came, and even her future plans feel shaky at this moment. And as guilty as I feel even typing this, she was not the one in whose arms I truly sought refuge from the storms of life. That one, when game time arrived, ran away, for reasons she never disclosed in full, once again because the opportunity to talk about these things is immediately squashed upon it's birth from my lips. Only the lonely can truly understand the full measure of my ire at such treatment, as though my feelings are so different from hers (which is right, of course) as to be demonized and thus never to be spoken into existence. Why does one act as an adult, but shy away at the times and conversations that would bring me a modicum of comfort and rest as I lay my skull upon yon bed?
Perhaps I've spilled enough bile tonight, but I feel only slightly better. Perhaps with the next entry....
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