Issue 10: Apologia

Written, pencilled and inked by: Heath Parker Lail

Apologia: language of origin--Greek.

The definition of said word is "a defence or justification of one's beliefs or actions."

Hullo, my long-lost friends.

I fear that there is no defence for my actions over the past few years, merely an explanation, which is also unsatisfactory. Unfortunately, that must suffice for now, as it forms the only coherent words that I may now speak.

Who I once was became lost, consumed by petty desires of the flesh, the promise of quick fixes for problems that probed far deeper than merely the skin, and materialism. I once felt very confident in my abilities to not give into the desires of the flesh, but I was merely kidding myself. I, like many others before me, fell to the notion that one could have their cake and eat it, too. Stupidly, I have followed that road to its bitterest of ends, which led to my overall cynicism, melancholy and increasing mood swings these past years. I sought to bury these things under the pretense of false laughter and merriment, a coping mechanism which had served me well in the past, but failed miserably here. During previous instances, my laughter had never become an integral part of that which damned me...it saved me. In this particular weakness of mind, spirit and body, laughter, like all the other emotions, bubbled in a cauldron warmed by my own passions and desires, the fires stoked with whispers and promises as old as the Earth itself. I fell into an abyss of up, down, left then right, over and under, then over once again, sacrificing my true happiness for moments of canned happiness presented through short bursts of "togetherness". I now know my enemy on this front, and am prepared to confront him upon the field of battle the next time his head should rise. Though this may never die, I feel prepared to combat it until I draw my last breath.

Secondly, I gave into the promises of Earthly fixes, instead of turning to my God, who is strong enough to heal any wound, repair any tear as though it never happened. I humble myself before Him now, asking forgiveness, though I do not deserve the mention of it, much less the opportunity. I thought I could handle whatever came, but I now know the weight of being separated from my Heavenly Father through my stubbornness and stupidity. It is more emotionally draining that any physical weight that could be placed upon me, and causes one to reevaluate your entire looking-glass through which we each view the outside world. I am ashamed of my behaviors, verbal freeness-of-mouth, and general lack of respect I have shown my Creator (and His creations)since--well, 2006. Thusly, I now reacknowledge that He, and not myself, should be the Captain of my vessel, for He knows best for me. I will attempt to follow His direction as best I may.

Materialism also took over my thoughts...for the first time, to a certain extent, I could keep up with the Jones's, and I did with reckless abandon. If I wanted it, there was plastic, if not paper, to grasp it with. Though I quickly learned that these "happys" were momentary in relieving my pain, it is the nature of materialism to grow unchecked once unleashed. I see the errors of my ways, and have put checks and balances in order to remove the urge to put myself in this situation again. Never again will objects take the place of people to give me happiness, as people have much greater effect on your life than things ever will.

I close tonight by saying this: Hang onto your hats, the real ME is back in charge for the first time in years, and you'll be surprised at the changes...pleasantly surprised:)

Tune in again tomorrow, when the changes begin...this feels RIGHT.